Creative non logical Humor. with a twist of insanity

After reading several new additions to the conversations here,,It seems the warm weather is finally getting here and the folks up north can finally come out of hybernation and can now see their Rigs,,, as not being buried in 20 feet of snow. To go out and see how many family's of varments have taken up winter residency. Hopefully none,, but ya never know,, Do a double check for bears inside,, Ive heard bears are getting smarter,,, they do enjoy the comforts of a queen sized bed, and where its peaceful,, and what better place then a parked and stored RV. Heck, If I was a bear,, I would choose an RV over a cold damp cave any day... just saying.

Sinse your up and about,, you do know its a trip into town.. Now if your lucky, you live in a small Mayberry RFD type town,, But in all reality,, your town has a population of about 70 billion,, (slight exageration but it seems like that when your in traffic). Your thinking to yourself,,, where are these people going,, or for that matter, where are they coming from? And why? You choose the slower lane, cuz your in no real hurry and of course you look in your rearview mirror and there sits a punk kid with his mommy's hopped up Camero tailgating you,,, thinking that if he flashes his lights and displays his I.Q. finger you will speed up.. Well lil buddy,, it aint gonna happen,,, and you know why?   Cuz,,, I dont feel like it. You just toodle along at a comfortable 54.7 mph in a 55 mph speed zone,, while junior tailgates you,, and looks about ready to blow a gasket as you notice him yelling something and pounding on his steering wheel. You ignore him and just turn up the volume on your 8 track of Led Zepplin and enjoy the ride. Your cruising comfortably and glance at your side mirror,, waiting for that magical moment junior finally blows a gasket,, when in the next lane over,, a little mini van screams by,, possibly in test trials for the Taco 500. And who would you think would be driving this mini van at such a high rate of speed like they are on a mission? Yup,, a Soccer mom,, (thanks to Dawn for clarification of some drivers). Ole soccer mom has a death grip on the steering wheel and leaned way foreward,, knowing she has to get to that next exit before anyone,, so she can get that gold star on her daughters report card. I know ya'll know the type,,, the mini van with the little stickers of the family,, mom,dad,daughter,son, baby, dog,cat,bird,fish, and a soccer ball. and dont forget,, the my kid was on the honor roll bumper sticker. These type of drivers scare me,, I would really hate to see them drive if they was in a hurry to get somewhere.

Another type of driver that should be mentioned is the *Im a really important person and have to have this phone stuck to the side of my head while I drive and be totally oblivious to my surroundings, because apparently I am the ONLY person on the road. I would like to tell these people,, Seriously, Your NOT that Important, This includes both men and wimmins,and of course teens. Now dont worry I didnt leave out that one lady,, some of us have already encountered, is the I have to text every 3 seconds of my life and update my facebook and twitter every 2 1/2 minutes,, and when I have time to sneak in a game of candy crush at 70 mph. Then there is Mr. buisness man,, Newspaper strewn across the steering wheel,, cell phone in one hand and a cafe latte mocha mint double shot exspresso star bucks coffee in the other,, leaning over tapping away on his netbook,, all the while cruising at 75 mp between 2 lanes and hasnt quite figured out what a turn signal is.  He falls into the group of drivers who think stop signs and red lights are ONLY suggestions. These are also the ones who when involved in an accident jump out and yell,, *do you know who I am?  A quick response would be,, umm the Dumb A** who just plowed into the back of my car? Then they ramble on and say their father is Mr, so and so, blah blah blah,, and I just look at them and say,, well good for him,, and I take it your the evil spawn demon child that was sent away to a mental hospital? Your father would be so proud of you,, and with the language your using,, its no wonder you can't get a date.(or quite possibly working on your 5th divorce).

Speaking of ex's,,, I told my wife,, she wont be my future ex wife,, shes stuck with me,,, Im like a rash that doesnt go away.. LOL

Plus that phrase,, till death do us part kinda scares me,, A man hasta sleep some time,, right? I for one would hate to piss her off and then wake up dead the next morning.. but hey, thats just me.

(right about now your wondering how u can wake up?) I dont know,, but with my luck, thats how it would be.Plus she couldnt get off that easy,, I would hang around and rattle some chains and be a good ghost,, I watched Casper growing up,, I know how the ghost thing works, Plus it would be fun to be invisable and sneak up in front of someone,, then reappear and say BOO !!!,,, Common now,, you know that would be funny,, if not hilarious.

I had an encounter with a 70ish yr old lady turn right in front of me,, and I tried my best to avoid hitting her, but BAM.. T-bone that little Ford SUV,, flipping her over onto her roof before coming to a stop..

Of course I jump out to see if the driver was ok,, and this lil ole lady climbs out as if nothing happened,, and says, wow,,, I was upside down there for a minute.. I stand there dumbfounded as I look at this lil ole lady dust herself off and compose herself like its an everyday thing for her. Im thinking, she probably broke in wild mustangs back in the day,, and could probably beat Chuck Norris in  main event in Las Vegas.She asked me if I was ok, and I said yea,, but I was worried about you,, you just went airborn and landed on your roof.. she laughs and says,, well I thought the light was green but apparently it wasnt.

Hafta love the seniors sense of humor.   I even think she dresses different to disguise herself and enters Iron man competitions just for excitement.

I was once pulled over by a trooper once while pulling doubles,, and the cop was rather nice when he asked where I was coming from? (Not where your going type question like they usually ask),, and do you know how tempting it was to say HIS house? But I bit my lip and decided against that and said from such and such city.. and then he finally asked where you going? I did say,, Im going to that truck stop up there,, park and go inside and get me some dinner,, He stood there just staring,, so I figured I should continue,, So I said, I am fancying a nice garden salad with ranch dressing,, and easy on the croutons,, and still debating on the fried chicken or the meatloaf... Officer is still staring,,, so I figure I better continue,, and replied, with and have a nice tall glass of milk and a coffee,, and quite possibly a slice of carrot cake. The officer kept staring,, and I was running out of menu options when he finally says,, oh Im sorry,, I was listning to the ball game and points to the ear piece and cord running down to his I-phone. He said,, be careful and have a good night,,, and just before he gets to his car,, he says,, by the way,, the meatloaf would be a good choice.

Another instance with an officer was, I was going the wrong way on a one way street,, my bad,, big city and all.. He gets me pulled over and asked me if I had seen the arrows? Well,, being a smart aleck as I am,, I replied,,  arrows? heck, I didnt even see any Indians,,, He had that deer in the headlights look for a few moments and pointed me in the direction to get turned around and going the right way before telling me to have a nice day.

Missouri has the best state troopers,, Sherriff Andy would be so proud. Im cruising through Po-dunk town U.S.A  pulling my 5th wheel with a rear wheel drive lincoln on a tow dolly..  Your thinking,, nuthing wrong with that,, right?    Well wrongggg,, according to the deputy,, which I will call Barney. He pulls me over and comes up to my window,, full uniform, side arm and 4 teeth,,, I think he borrowed 3 from his brother,, but thats another story,  (No offense to the other fine folks who live in Missouri,, this is my story.) Well ole Barney informs me that my car is going backwards.. I act all suprised,, and say,, really? no kidding,, and I open the door and get out and say,, I have to check this out. We walk to the back, and sure nuff,, the Lincoln is going backwards,,, rear wheels up on the dolly,, wheels all strapped tight,,, even had those magnetic lights on the hood for my brake lights and turn signals...I then get serious and explain to ole Barney about the Lincoln being rear wheel drive, so the drive wheels are on the dolly and the front wheels free roll. About this time I notice a funny shape in his shirt pocket,,, and after careful consideration, I realize,, its a single bullet,,,,, hence his name Barney.. He seemed pleased with the answer and asked where I was going and coming from. I told him I left California 2 days ago and heading where ever I get a wild hair to go. He had to tell me, hes never been to Californy. He did say he  went to Arkansas once but he was little. Wow, Im thinking,,, this guy has some country under his belt... I wonder if he knows Truman isnt our president anymore.He asked what I was doing in Missouri,,, and (common,, by now you know Im a smart A**) I reply,, Ive heard ya;ll got some purdy wimmins around these parts and Im on the hunt for a wife. His eyes about bugged out of his head when I said that,, and Im thinking,, oooops,, I shouldnt have said that.. His eyes go back to normal and says his step sister in law just got divorced and he could introduce us if I wanted to. I gulp hard,, having painful images flash through my mind, and quickly say,,, well thats very nice of you,, but I need to finish making my cross country trip,, but I will be passing back this way on the way back,,, and he said great,,, Just stop by the office and they will holler at me and I will take ya out to visit with her.

(now correct me if Im wrong,,, But in them parts of the country,, when a couple gets divorced,, are they technically still concidered brother and sister?)

Wow,,, I dodged that bullet.. His ole radio starts squaking and he says he has to go, and for me to have a safe trip and gets in his car and speeds off..... I climb back in the truck and dig out my map and locate this po-dunk town on the map,, and reroute my trip to avoid this area by at least 1,000 miles,, heck,, going the Canadian route is an open option. I even pondered the idea of changing my name,  eliminating that by any chance Barney remembers my name and address and brings ole Lu Lu out and knocks on my door... Then as luck has it,, after my long trip,, I leave California and moved to Texas.. And your thinking,, but your closer to Missouri now,,,, HA.... But who would think to look with me being that close?

Ok,,, thats enough for now,, Hope I brought a chuckle to some of you all...  Camping Glamping,and road trips are what makes us what we are. We fix up our rigs,, show them off and create memories,, isnt that what lifes about? And Im just here to throw some humor your way when you have a bad day.. Be safe, enjoy, and make memories.

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Comment by FrannyLee on April 24, 2017 at 1:16pm

Your mention of varmints got my attention. :)

I've been living in my 75 Revcon here in southern Oregon without a working furnace until March! UGH! I have managed to stay rodent free except for one large crafty rat that came in from the rear and stayed well hidden, ignoring my traps for weeks. It drove my heeler/aussie mix pooch, Daisy crazy. She would hear it at night and sit staring at a cabinet whining and whimpering because she could not get to it.

I know just how she was feeling!

One morning I woke up at first light and made my way to the galley for my morning cuppa. Put the water on and headed back to me bunk when I happened to look down and YOWZA!!

There it was. One big dead rat (which I was very grateful I had not stepped on!).

Picking it up by its tail, I held it up to Daisy and told her what a good girl she wasas she sniffed and grabbed it and headed for the door.  I let her out and she promptly went to bury her treasure. She is a bit of a rodent queen .. moles, gophers, whatever. She be good.

I do believe her presence tends to keep most rodents out. And I was so glad she finally got this ratty little rascal. Funny though .. how I never heard a thing. Stealth doggie! YAY!

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