RV travel humor. part one

[Lakota Wolf]

I did the precheck, tires,cords,hoses,etc, secured loose items and shut and locked the door. Jumped in the truck and off we go for a road trip.... yaaaaa, here we go.

Fired up the ole diesel,, clatter clatter clatter,, diesels aint quiet by no means, so trying to leave the RV park in stealth mode is totally out of the question. I drive slow as to be in Incognito mode and to watch out for the rampant little bunnies running around,, Plus have to look really cool with all the purdy lights on and a classy rig in tow. The wife all comfortable in the passenger seat, has her nook in hand for reading, and my co-pilot and head of security,, Smiley,, My Rescue service dog Rat Terrier, (her official name is Smiley Von Bad A**,, esquire). She sits on the center console, on high alert and using her eyes to patrol the highway up ahead,,, and occasionally sits on my lap to check the drivers window for upcomming traffic of an occasional *puppy, (we call horses and cows along the side of the road Puppies).  Ok,,, we wind through the back side roads from the RV park heading towards the main hwy to begin our journey,,, 2 lanes of narrow roadways and curves and 80% of the other drivers decide they want their half of the road down the middle, all the while playing on their cell phones. I drive with caution and attitude,,, mainly I have family to protect, and then again a bigger truck, then that little powder blue prius. Yea buddy, put your phone down and hug that shoulder in that rice burner. lol,  Not to offend owners of priuses,,, scratch that,, yea,, I hate priuses,, Just before heading for the on ramp of the highway, I flip the 10 inch monitor up from its resting place on the floor hump,, plug in the power supply cord, and make sure the video feed wire is snug and check the input video wires from the 6 video cameras are snug into the video switcher. Yep,, we are good to go as I flip through each video feed making sure all cameras are up and running with a clear view. I reach over and double check the preset radio stations, check,, Aux. running lights,, check. Hot cup of coffee? Ut oh,,  No coffee,, Detour,, Danger, Danger Will Robinson,,(lost in space cliche'). I swerve and bypass the entrance to the highway,, making the wife look at me like I just dodged a deer,, as I correct and align the truck in my own lane to make a pit stop at the local thrifty nifty gas, groceries,bait shop and florist shop. Don't need the flowers, But hey,, its a combination store,  Sinse we are there, I pull in to the fuel pump lane and decide to top off the fuel tanks. Tank one takes $2.18  ,second tank takes $4.29 and third tank takes 43 cents with some overflow. I walk in the store and empty the coffee pot filling my trusty to go cup. Its a small one,, only holds like 30 ounces,, enough for at least an hour,,maybe 2 if I sip it. Then I assume we will need a few light snacks till the next stop, So I grab some chips, donuts,sticky buns, peanuts,diet soda and a couple chocolate bars,, yup,, All set for at least 45 minutes to an hour drive till our first pit stop. (actually a potty stop), Coffee does that. Ok,, heading down the ramp,, catch the entrance to the highway and onward we go,,, High Ho Sliver awayyyyyyy,,  Head lights on,,cab lights on, body lights on and Hela's on,, Yup,, approx. 4 times brighter then day light ahead of me, and its suprising that all the on comming drivers are Dimming there high beams all of a sudden. Imagine that?.

I turn the helas off and back to normal plain headlights and get all cozy in the slow right lane toodling along.

As we toodle along,,(I like the word toodle, its like cruising between warp speed and idle.). Traffic is light, considering 85% of the drivers are engrossed in their candy crush game on their tablets, while holding a triple latte cappaccino,Mocha Mint esspresso, with a hint of madagasgar cinnamon and glancing at the new york times at 75mph. (very observant drivers).

As we toodle along with the above forementioned, I recall an incident while cruising through Arizona along I-40.

I believe I was holding steadfast at 55 enjoying the scenery of nothing,, yes,, literally nothing except the occasional scrub brush and abandoned mobile home.

Anywho,, A real purdy red corvette comes along side of me and this guy is waving frantically for me to roll down my window.

I roll down the drivers window and this poor guy is definitly distressed as hes yelling something. We both slow down to about 40mph so we can actually hear what each of us are trying to say. He finally yells out,,if I can help him. Im game to help anyone in need. I replied to him,, sure buddy, what can I do for you? 

He pauses for a moment and with embarresment in his voice,, he yells,,  I just got this new corvette with the upgraded 6 speed transmission and Im having trouble getting it out of 1st gear.  I stare in slight disbelief as what he had just said... I finally stutter the words out,,, Out of 1st gear?   He replies,, Yes,,,,, I cant seem to figure the clutch thingy out and where to move the shifter. I ponder the question some more,, then a little more,, and finally come to the conclusion,,, , This guy drops 70 grand on a sweet vette,, gets the upgraded standard trans, cruises down the highway at 40mph,(the speed we stayed steady at for the last 15 miles), and asks me if I can help him get it out of 1st gear...I smile real big and tell the guy,,  dont worry about it,,, your doing ok with it in 1st gear,, its safer that way, (basically for all of us). and he gives me the thumbs up and cruises right on past. Yes folks,, you really can't fix stupid,, and trust me, duct tape only muffles the noise.

So we get back to cruising speed,, just shy of warp speed,,, 55 mph, (Scotty said to hold steadfast at that speed till repairs are made on the thermal oatmeal extractor and is upgraded and put into service). 

Spock affirmed that notion. We see up ahead a fuel stop,slash,choke and puke,bait shop,ufo trinket,teepee shop, complete with genuine native american trinkets and such made in china. ( I guess they outsource).

We park in the fully updated dirt drive,slash parking lot,crop duster runway slash kick ball field.

We stroll inside, (stroll as in walk slower then a stride). We stop at the front door to admire the numerous bumper stickers stuck all over the windows. Mostly green aliens, advertising area 51 or quite possibly area 52,, wasnt quite sure, but it was an AREA of some sorts. We finally go in, and the 1st thing we hear is,,,, (wait for it,,,,,,, wait for it,,,,,,) ,,,, Howdy Ya;ll .   OHHHH  MMMM GEEEEE,,, A relocated Redneck slash Texan standing next to a table with little jars of cactus jellies.  Now nothing against rednecks or Texans,, But this 4 ft 3 woman,,(thats width mind you) is smiling all purdy like with her borrowed 3 teeth form her 3rd cousin, bee hive hair-do, a flowered Hawaian shirt,Tie dyed multi-colored Spandex pants and wearing flip flops with those tall rainbow socks that go up past the knees and have those individual toes.

Shes flashing the rings on every finger and even her thumbs, making sure we noticed it was that ever so popular Native Blue Turqoius. She is also flashing at least 30 plus wrist bangles. Ok, enough of the eyes hurting with all the bling bling and a stunning display of quality fashion,, she bats her big brown eyes, showing off the early 70's style bright blue eye shadow that goes clear up to her eye brows and touched with a wide streak of white, to assemilate the blue, (looks natural I guess). Her rosy cheeks, painted really bright red in cute little circles and bright red lip stick made the ensemble complete. (Look out Victorias secret,, you have competition). We wonder though the little store looking at all the trinkets and wares on display for sale. I myself spent a good 10 minutes looking for the mens room. I finally gave up and asked the sweet adorable lady where the mens room was. She walked over to her little counter and reached over and handed me a key firmly affixed to a boat oar with a chain. (I guess people kept stealing the key that was attached to a block of small wood). She said the mens room was around back.. I said thank you and before I could get to the door,, she said,, sir,,,, Ya might need this while out there. She handed me a 44 magnum and a big stick.. Im thinking to myself,, what the heck are these far? A hand cannon and Walking tall log stick.

She said the stick is to swooo away the spiders and the hand cannon is for the rattlers who like to slither under the door to get out of the desert heat. I kinda laughed it off and headed around back and to my suprise,,there stood to wood out-houses,, properly labeled His and Hers. I surveyed the situation and decided I would rather soil myself before I venture in there, and returned back to the store. I walk back in and the lady said, I musta been lucky, cuz most folks usually fire off at least 3 shots before finishing their buisness. I just smiled and said,, yea, it must be,, I didnt see anything..I handed her back the hand cannon and walking tall stick and key on an oar back and, me and the misses grab a couple cold sodas from the squeaking cooler. As we walked up to the counter to pay for them I noticed the coffee pot ,, it being about 3/4s full, and figured,, I need another cup for the road. I grab a styrofoam cup and pick up the pot, and to my amazement,as I tilted the carafe to pour me a cup, it resembled 90 weight gear oil on a cold morning as it attempted to flow towards the opening. It finally crests the top and I hear a plop as the first sign of anything comming out hit the bottom of the cup. The sweet lady, said, that coffee was made fresh earlier,, its a bit strong though. Strong is an understatement,,, I could use this to repack wheel bearings. I skipped on the coffee,,,, but still pondered the bearing repack.. I shook that notion off and we made our purchase and headed back out to continue our journey. We get all settled in our seats, Me in the captn's seat the better half in hers and our ferocious attack killer terrier at the helm on guard duty. (at least she thinks shes a killer attack dog). We cruise across the said multipurpose parking lot,slash runway and back onto the road. For the next 8 miles you can hear the rocks as they dislodge from between the tire tread and rattle under the vehicle. We get up to cruising speed,, (Scotty verify's the main engine is good to go). Ohura has our route planned and sulu adjusts the headings. (You have to have an imagination when on a deserted stretch of roadway).We are settled comfortably as the miles roll under us,, I amuse myself by counting phone poles going by at the rate of about 8 to the 7th power, adding 12 and carrying 3, to the estimate of about 158 poles an hour. I Lernt my math with my Hukt un foniks corse, and wuz rewarded with an Edmikashun. As another long hour goes by, I debate on using the cruise control and reclining my seat to grab a couple ZZZZ's. then remember reading something in the owners manual about doing such things, as sleeping with cruise control on,, something about having full control of the vehicle or maybe it was the tire pressure.. I confused myself trying to figure that one out, so I opted, to just leave the cruise control alone for the time being. And so,, I just keep my eyes on the road for the next 4 hours, watching the white lines streak by, almost blending into one continuous line and I look over and the lil lady is soaked into her tablet reading. So I thought.. Her eyes were open, the tablet in the upright position and I then notice,, She is sleeping. Not Normal sleeping,but sleeping with her eyes wide open. I wave my hand in front of her face with no response. I reach over and hold her wrist and check for a pulse.. Whew!!!,, she has a pulse,, thats a good thing.. I keep glancing up from the road to look at her and wonder in amazement how she can sleep with her eyes wide open. Its driving me nuts,,, even the dog Smiley is confused,, so I reach over and gently close one eye lid at a time, Ok, thats normal.. I go back to watching the road, wondering now if I am even going in the right direction. I look at the GPS, and I push the location/update route button, and a small message scrolls across the screen,,,, says,,,, Don't have a clue where we are,, your guess is probably more accurate.  I then resort to glancing at a cheap dollar store road map that I picked up before the trip for those just in case scenarios, and its written in Ubakinstanese. And,,,,, only covers southern Asia. Does me alot of good in the middle of no-where U.S.A.. I dismiss any ideas now of trying to figure out where we actually are, and catch a glance of a sign, saying rest area, 2 miles. Thats approx. 26 phone poles,. We get to the rest area and pull off, and to wake up the lil lady, I swerve the wheel just a little and make her bump her head on the window,, waking her up and with an innocent voice say,, ohhhhhh  your awake..(lol).